The warm days that have settled upon us here in Ess Eff means I’m going to spend a lot of time looking a pictures of people in Dolores Park, reading their twitter updates about all the exciting happenings in Dolores Park and of course reading their Facebook updates about how hard they’re going to kick it in Dolores Park this weekend. But one thing my social graph will be missing is the daily update I used to receive on 4Loko consumption.
Alas, all good things must come to an end. But wait! 4Loko was banned but being an asshole wasn’t, so with that I propose we start a Facebook campaign to have Coca Brynco distributed in bodegas across The City.
The coca leaf has been used for centuries to combat altitude sickness, stave off hunger pangs, and get people naked so it has its medicinal bonafides. Right now it’s only being sold in Bolivia, but like other products made in Bolivia, I’m sure we’ll find a way to get a consistent supply (without or without the use of trebuchet).
Plus, since it’s being billed as an energy drink, it would neatly solve the problem of underage kids loitering outside of said bodegas beseeching you to buy them some alcohol and a Swisher. They won’t need the blunt because soon we’ll all be able to purchase some Canna Cola— provided you have a verifiable medical condition like anxiety, or restless leg syndrome.
Each 12-ounce bottle of “Canna Cola” will contain 35 to 65 milligrams of THC, which is a lot, but lest you think they are being irresponsible, it appears they’ve taken steps to ensure that their branding will not appeal to children. Of course THC-laden sugary drinks do present their own problems w/r/t our obesity epidemic. One can imagine the recursive loop once the munchies set in. In the land where only outlaws eat Happy Meals, this could be a serious problem, so invest in Canna Cola futures today.