So anyway, this happened:
On the afternoon of Sunday, May 1, a 53-year-old Sonoma man who is visually impaired – that is to say he could not see well, if at all – was standing in his apartment when a woman appeared in his doorway, unannounced and unexpected.
The woman told him she was there to give him an enema. Because the man had recently undergone intestinal surgery, he thought perhaps that explained her presence.
Okay, I’m still with you. Odd concatenation of afflictions and events for this guy, to be sure, but I am little surprised he doesn’t blanche at the pop-in–which is a big no-no around my house. Who likes a pop-in? But this takes place in Sonoma County and maybe they’re more accommodating up there.
The woman deftly guided him to his bedroom, had him drop his pants and lie face down on his bed.
She then gave the man an enema and promptly left.
The whole episode took about a minute-and-a-half, he later told police. The woman did not leave a card or any other identifying information. And given the condition of his eyesight, the man did not, in the complete sense of the word, actually see her.
How does this happen to somebody? I’m not a prude, but there would probably a bit of conversation before that happened to me. Maybe I’m just not all that familiar with enemas, but as a rule, talking always precedes pants-dropping. Maybe he has great health insurance, and so he’s always getting post-op perks like massages, facials, and enemas, but in my experience once you leave the hospital the only thing they give you is a collection letter.
Therefore, there are only three possible ways to explain this.
1. She is some kind of legitimate health care practitioner, albeit one that is not so good with details. She was supposed to give someone an enema that day, just not this particular guy. She had all the stuff after all, and was quick about it.
2. Having intestinal surgery makes you compliant. You’re probably in pain for a long time before the surgery, and the relief you get is so great that you just have stars in your eyes for anyone affiliated with the practice of medicine. He probably would have opened his door to a shaman.
3. Some sort of weird sex thing.
However, back to the matter at hand:
A day later, on Monday, the enema recipient began wondering about what had happened to him but took no action. By Tuesday, he felt compelled to shed some light on the experience, so he contacted police. An investigating officer promptly called the man’s doctor and was told no enema had been prescribed, ordered or approved.
Sonoma police turned the case over to the domestic and sexual assault unit of the Sonoma Sheriff’s Office who have yet to make sense of the caper.
Can you imagine that gnawing feeling as it started to creep into his mind. He’d try to ignore it while blasting Big Brother, or whatever, but it would return. That haunting feeling that he had felt before. It was like when he played that game with his uncle that one time that felt funny. And then finally it was too much to ignore. And he knew it was fishy, eventually, after all he did call the cops BEFORE calling his own doctor.
-So I get the idea that this was not his first enema rodeo. I would be a lot more surprised if someone came my door bearing such strange gifts.
-I don’t know how long an enema is supposed to take, but she seems like she knew what she was doing, and he must have recognized, whilst being flushed, that she knew what she was doing. Unless she has some signature enema technique we’ll never know her side of the story, since she can’t be identified.
– But if was a good, er, properly executed enema and there were no problems, then I think you have to suck it up and take the L on this one, rather than explaining it to the authorities. Just own it. “I got a random enema yesterday. I also listened to the game on the radio.”
-Enema is a strange word. Feels like it has more vowels that it really does.
So yeah, I saw that, and thought I’d pass it along.