Prank Hard or Go Home

Apparently all that stands between us and Communist Hegemony isn’t whether or not Scalia will get rid of Obamacare, but rather ensuring that Bill Ayers doesn’t distribute Kit Kats to the people. 

This is so obviously the best story of the year. You do remember last year’s BSOTY (pronounced Be-sooty) right? Well from Switzerland comes the most delightful tale. 

Apparently Eloi Cole was arrested at the Large Hadron Collider. You see, Mr. Cole had travelled from the future and wanted to prevent the LHC  from destroying the world. According to the article M. Cole was going to disrupt the goings on of the LHC by “stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment’s vending machines”.  

OK two things. Eloi Cole? This guy is obviously not from the future, but from the media saturated near past. If my memory and internetting skills are to be believed, he simply reached into a satchel of sci-fi motifs and pulled out HG Wells The Time Machine, and 12 Monkeys.  The Eloi were one of the two races in that Wells book, and of course the Bruce Willis character’s name in that movie was James Cole. 

That part is great. It’s clever and allusive and raises important issues, like which journalists will bother to put his name into a google box. 

The “plan” though is hilarious. The idea that stopping the consumption of Mountain Dew could slow down the LHC’s eventual destruction of the planet*, is as ridiculous as the notion that you could stop the evil minds at 4Ch*n by destroying a Dorritos Factory. 

While the publication refused to speculate definitively on whether or not THEY believed he was indeed from the future, they did make sure to note that the “strangely dressed young man” was wearing “a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age”.  

I’ve never watched the show, but what does Dr. Who wear? 

Okay, moving right along, what is the future like? RIght? The hardest part of smashing together pop culture to create a man from the future persona is that you are still required to create a vision of what that future looks like, and flying cars and jetpacks won’t cut it anymore, not after the travesty that was the Fifth Element. 

“Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.” 

“Chocolate Hellhole” sounds like something sold to creepy middle-aged men, discreetly covered by a paper bag in the Times Square of yesteryear.  

Oh well, it will be interesting to hear the rest of what this guy has to say because….WHAT!?! 

Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.” 

Did I just get trolled again? That is exactly what happens in 12 Monkeys. 

*Oh, this will happen. The Higgs Boson will be discovered Dec 21, 2012. The Mayans told tha truth! 

I love the internet

Does the image macro/ meme reduce the thing or embiggen* it? Is it a way of showing solidarity without risking anything, or is it diminishing it to the level of a witty, or ironic t-shirt? Remember this iconic shot taken after Dr. King’s assassination? Can you imagine what the l33t kids would do it today? 

Or are they just another form of communication no worse than any other, and their glib constructions (see the officer pepper spraying the framers) an awkward and unsubtle way of making a nuanced point about the onrushing police state? Are we all satirists now, just of differing degree and effectiveness? 

Or is this another example of our insincerity about things, because to hold an opinion would bind us, and we’d be accountable, and therefore judged, and also responsible?**. So instead we deflect with humor, and hold ourselves beyond the gaze, outside of any burden. It’s the wink and nod. ‘This all sucks’, we think, ‘But they’re too powerful’ we whine. But I know better (And I know that you’re on my side). So I’ll share this clever photo with you, while we all line up and bend over and continue to enforce the status quo by our inaction.

Or maybe it’s just jokes?

*Perfectly cromulent word as you no doubt know. 

**The Socratic Method, really? Well excuse me! Didn’t you just post about a chick letting raccoons eat off her body?


Take the shame


I’ve had a lot of time to myself lately, so I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix at home, in the dark with the shades drawn. (I’m not sad dammit!) But I got to watch the Catherine Tate show, and she is a genius. She’s basically a kind of British Tracey Ullman, but funnier. One of her characters, is Lauren, and she never “takes the shame”.Instead, she always tries to play it off and keep her cool points (yeah I went there, old school, like Karl Kani and Cross Colors, what!?!)  She never takes the shame, cause. She.Ain’t. Bovvered.

Halfway Home

I only have one celebrity story and it’s this. One of my besties, invited me to brunch with her friend, who turned out to be Kyp Malone. It was a goodbye of sorts as he was leaving for New York City, to go pursue his dreams of being a rock star. I took it all in, and thought to myself, good luck with that pipe dream, everyone and their skinny jeans wearing cousin from Duluth is doing what you’re doing.  

A year later he was knee deep in it. I’m an anti-oracle. 


The lazy way they turned your head
Into a rest stop for the dead
And did it all in gold and blue and grey

The efforts to allay your dread,
In spite of all you knew and said,
Were hard to see and harder still to say

A comfort plush all laced in lead
Was sent to quell your sentiment
And keep your trembling sentinel hand at bay

And when a sudden silhouette
Escaped the top-side of your bed
I knew you’d never ever be the same

Is it not me?
Am I not folded by your touch?
The words you spoke
I know too much
It’s over now
And not enough

Is it not me?
The damage you hold inside your blush?
The load you towed
You showed it up
It’s over now
And I’m insane

Wild spirits winds from out your chest
Collides with world and wilderness
It needs a gentle hand to call it home

Now surfs the sun and scales the moon
And winds the waistband of her womb
All eyes ablaze the day you break your mold

Is it not me?
Am I not culled into your clutch?
The words you spoke
I know too much
We’re closer now
And said enough

Is it not me?
Am I not rolled into your crush?
The road you chose
Unloads control
See it take me so

Go on throw this stone
Into this halfway home