Apparently all that stands between us and Communist Hegemony isn’t whether or not Scalia will get rid of Obamacare, but rather ensuring that Bill Ayers doesn’t distribute Kit Kats to the people.
This is so obviously the best story of the year. You do remember last year’s BSOTY (pronounced Be-sooty) right? Well from Switzerland comes the most delightful tale.
Apparently Eloi Cole was arrested at the Large Hadron Collider. You see, Mr. Cole had travelled from the future and wanted to prevent the LHC from destroying the world. According to the article M. Cole was going to disrupt the goings on of the LHC by “stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment’s vending machines”.
OK two things. Eloi Cole? This guy is obviously not from the future, but from the media saturated near past. If my memory and internetting skills are to be believed, he simply reached into a satchel of sci-fi motifs and pulled out HG Wells The Time Machine, and 12 Monkeys. The Eloi were one of the two races in that Wells book, and of course the Bruce Willis character’s name in that movie was James Cole.
That part is great. It’s clever and allusive and raises important issues, like which journalists will bother to put his name into a google box.
The “plan” though is hilarious. The idea that stopping the consumption of Mountain Dew could slow down the LHC’s eventual destruction of the planet*, is as ridiculous as the notion that you could stop the evil minds at 4Ch*n by destroying a Dorritos Factory.
While the publication refused to speculate definitively on whether or not THEY believed he was indeed from the future, they did make sure to note that the “strangely dressed young man” was wearing “a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age”.
I’ve never watched the show, but what does Dr. Who wear?
Okay, moving right along, what is the future like? RIght? The hardest part of smashing together pop culture to create a man from the future persona is that you are still required to create a vision of what that future looks like, and flying cars and jetpacks won’t cut it anymore, not after the travesty that was the Fifth Element.
“Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”
“Chocolate Hellhole” sounds like something sold to creepy middle-aged men, discreetly covered by a paper bag in the Times Square of yesteryear.
Oh well, it will be interesting to hear the rest of what this guy has to say because….WHAT!?!
“Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.”
Did I just get trolled again? That is exactly what happens in 12 Monkeys.
*Oh, this will happen. The Higgs Boson will be discovered Dec 21, 2012. The Mayans told tha truth!